I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
