Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
