I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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