it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
