i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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