Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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