You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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