Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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