This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn