Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
