his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
