I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
