Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
