Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
