Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
