Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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