My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
