My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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