This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
