is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I need to calm my uterus...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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