I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
