it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
