he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
