he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
