Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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