I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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