1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
