girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
