You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
