My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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