I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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