Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
