Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
