I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
