Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
