just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
