You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
