Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
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I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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