we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
