I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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