I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
