ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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