guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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