You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
