I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
