Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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