I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
