i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
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You. Win. At. Life.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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