Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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