I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
