google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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