If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
