Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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