Quick, to the slutcave!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
