I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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