Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
