Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I smell stomach acid.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
