Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
